Give a cat a pill.

Writer

Anonymous 23 July 2022

Disclaimer: This article is humour - not expert advice!

Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks, while holding the pill in your right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill into the mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa.

Cradle the cat in your left arm and repeat the process. Retrieve the cat from the bedroom and throw the soggy pill away.

Take a new pill from the foil wrap, cradle the cat in your left arm, holding the rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force the jaws open and push the pill to the back of the mouth with your right forefinger. Hold the mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe.

Call your spouse in from the garden. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees. Hold the front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by the cat. Get your spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into the mouth. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve the cat from the curtain rail. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep the shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set it to one side for gluing later.

Get another pill from the foil wrap. Wrap the cat in a large towel and get your spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below the armpit. Put the pill in the end of a drinking straw; force the cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down the straw. Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid® to your spouse's forearm and remove the blood from the carpet with soap and water. Retrieve the cat from the neighbour's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place the cat in a cupboard and close the door onto the neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force the mouth open with a spoon. Flick the pill down the throat with an elastic band. Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink the beer. Fetch whisky. Pour a shot and drink. Apply cold compress to your cheek and check the date of your last tetanus jab. Apply a whisky compress to your cheek to disinfect. Toss another shot back. Throw your tee shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve the cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to your neighbour who crashed into the fence, while swerving to avoid the cat.

Take the last pill from the foil wrap. Tie the little bastard's front paws to the rear paws with garden twine and bind it tightly to the leg of the dining table. Find the heavy pruning gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold the head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash the pill down. Consume the remainder of the scotch. Get your spouse to drive you to the emergency ward. Sit quietly, while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes the pill from your eye. Call a furniture shop on way home to order a new table.